Forgive my Jerry Seinfeld impersonation, but what is the deal with egg prices?

I told my kids they can have a quiche or a college education. Pick one. Word has it the producers of “Wheel of Fortune” are thinking of replacing the “car” prize placard with one that says “a dozen eggs.” 

Eggs are so expensive right now teens can’t afford to egg someone’s house as a prank. These days, when a house gets egged, the police can narrow the search for suspects to the wealthy. Pranksters with a high net worth better learn to be more discreet.

This is just the updated version of the 2020 teen’s struggle to toilet paper a house, which leads me to wonder: When did we become old? Age is nothing but a number, they say. I don’t know who “they” are, but it’s true. The discussion about egg prices with friends is proof that we are becoming old ladies.

The rumor is that old people only talk about the weather and food. Maybe the Cardinals. People in their 40s and 50s are already off and running because you’ll notice conversations always turn to food and recipes. And then bone spurs and bunions. Bunions are big right now, a real hot topic. 

Instead of singing “head, shoulders, knees and toes,” we play “wallet, glasses, keys and phone” when we leave the house. 

We share with each other recipe videos on social media where the person cooking says, “Measure with your heart.” That’s usually when chocolate chips are involved. Sounds yummy, but the truth is that when you measure with your heart, your butt gets huge. 

My friend recently said, “I must be 100 years old, because I really do like these dried plums.” 

That’s the cool way of saying “prunes.”

Combine the egg price talk and the recipe talk, and go straight into grocery store talk. What’s on special, who has the best produce and our preferred store are usual topics. Not that many years ago we preferred night club talk. We’re old. 

Have you ever gone to Dierbergs and you see actual Mr. Dierberg there? He goes to all the stores, of course, but when you run into him it’s like a huge celebrity sighting and you’re too nervous to go say hi and tell him Bob’s Smoked Meats are delicious because you’ll look like a dork. He would probably love it, though. 

Or when you go to Schnucks and one of the Schnucks is there meeting with the staff, and you’re dying to tell them how easy the rewards program on the app is, but you think they’re too busy for your feedback. They’re not.

See, in my younger days I would sidle right up to a Schnuck and suggest a poker tournament in the liquor aisle. Now that I’m old, I’d rather discuss the success of the Schnupon program.

These days, I find myself in line at the pharmacy talking to some woman next to me, discussing how humidity affects bursitis …  and I’m all ears. 

Side grocery store anecdote: Once, I ran into a snobby-ish acquaintance at Aldi. She seems like she shops exclusively at Whole Paycheck, I mean, Whole Foods. I said hi and she said, “Oh, I don’t actually shop here, I’m just picking up a few things.” Yeah, it’s called shopping. 

Back to topics that age me, I’m already worried about Passover, still a month away. I can’t make my usual flourless chocolate cake because it calls for nearly a dozen eggs and I’m not made of money. 

If those prices don’t go down, we might have to go with the less versatile and, at this point, less expensive Faberge eggs to represent the cycle of life on our seder plates. Dayenu.