Notes From A Jewish Mother: Outrageous (half-written) book ideas you’ll wish were real

Amy Fenster Brown, Special To The Jewish Light

Published August 27, 2024

In my last column I mentioned an advice book I wanted to write for my older son, Davis, titled, “Quantity Over Quality: The College Years.”

It’s a guide to navigating your years in higher education, featuring practical advice about dating, partying and spending. It’s time to have new experiences, and lots of them. Who cares if it doesn’t work out? We’re here to learn both in and out of the classroom.

Overindulge! You’re young, your liver can take it.

That’s just one of the many book ideas in my head that I’ve half-written. Let me half tell you about some more.

‘The Wide-Awake Diaries’

This collection of personal essays from insomniacs chronicles what goes through their overtired minds while the rest of their family are sawing logs.

Favorite short stories include “Maybe I’ll Take Another Gummy,” “Is My College Ex-Boyfriend’s Wife Fat Yet?” and “Is That a Leg Cramp or Do I Have Cancer?”

‘Don’t Go There’

In this self-help workbook we explore ways to end our frustration when our actions, and the actions of others, don’t produce the results we want. Hitch a ride on the self-discovery express and find out how to no longer go the extra mile, above and beyond, and out of your way.

‘Let’s Get Physical’

Real-life stories from siblings teach us about testing limits with the person your parents once called your built-in best friend. Learn to effectively calculate the level to which you can taunt each other without physical violence.

This book features top tips on what it takes to annoy someone until they backhand you across the face, usually while on a road trip.

‘The Quarter Page Kid With the Full Page Mom’

Join our hero, Leo, as he tries to figure out a way to get his mom to stop calling attention to his successes.

Will the mild-mannered Leo figure out a way to quiet his over-the-top braggy mother’s impulse to tell everyone with ears that he’s the greatest shmoopy-boy alive?

You’ll be on the edge of your seat until you find out whether Leo’s attempt at getting his mom to put a less flashy congratulatory ad in his senior year yearbook works out in his favor. Spoiler alert: Leo’s mom has a lot to brag about.

‘I Poured the Milk’

This is a cookbook by my mother-in-law, Zelda. Learn some of her famous classic recipes, including a bowl of cereal, turkey a la Mrs. Dierberg’s deli case and reservations at the best restaurants in town.

Be sure to check out the mouthwatering, can’t-miss dessert section in which Grammy Z teaches us how to load even the smallest clutch purse with enough candy choices to worry a dentist.

‘I’ve Got One Nerve Left (Don’t Drive Over It)’

This memoir is a painstakingly detailed story of the times I’ve taken my elderly mother to Costco.

Take a virtual ride-along on Marge’s electric scooter shopping cart as she nearly takes out other shoppers by accelerating too hard, stops at each sample station to ask employees, “What’s all in this?” and announces “this amount could feed a football team” in every aisle.

Come along to the clothing section as she makes me hold up every single women’s item in both small and medium sizes “just to see.”