My previous column was what one might call “not funny.” I received several emails complaining about this.
“Stick to humor,” one said.
“We don’t read you to learn things, we want to laugh” another said.
“Quick, question, are you effing kidding me with this?” a third said.
Finally, I told my mother to stop emailing me.
But I get it, you all read plenty of serious things in the news and this little section of the Jewish Light is supposed to be, well, light. Instead of dwelling on the depressing, I’m going to share some of my plans with you so we all have some fun to look forward to.
A challenging new career is in the works for me, but which option will I choose?
I’m considering studying to be a sommelier but in a super-specialized way. Rather than focus on what alcohol works well with the food you order, my list matches spirits with your spirit. Some examples include our custom wine pairings for anxiety, mixed drink pairings for panic attacks and liquor pairings for nervousness. I figure now that I’ve learned to “eat my feelings,” as they say, it might be classier to drink them. Pinky up, of course.
Honestly, I don’t really even drink booze. Once, at a party, I was offered a Dirty Shirley, which is a Shirley Temple with vodka added. I said no thanks and ordered a Nerdy Shirley instead, which is a classic alcohol-free Shirley Temple, but I was wearing my glasses whilst imbibing.
Another career move I’m thinking about making is becoming a personal trainer. Not for athletics or fitness, but rather to teach people to be the kind of tough cookie who knows how to say no to things. If you’re too nice and feel like you’re getting walked on, I can train you to be mean, petty and spiteful. Clients have to dedicate themselves to the work, of course.
We’ll warm up by teaching you to do something weird in social situations so you don’t get invited back, perhaps by bringing two people as your “plus one” and telling the host it’s like a gift with purchase. Next, you’ll be encouraged to take your pants off at a gender reveal party and say, “The invitation didn’t specify who was revealing their gender so I thought we were all participating.”
We then work up to you actually saying no to invitations and commitments. When you’re asked to attend an event you don’t want to attend, you simply say, “I can’t. I have an eye problem. I don’t see myself attending.”
Opening a store is on my list of career change options. Last year, we said kaddish for the passing of Bed Bath & Beyond. After more than 50 years in business, the store that sold almost everything disappeared. I get it. In my more than 50 years, I sometimes want to disappear, too. Not, like, forever — just until someone else in the house realizes this pile of laundry isn’t going to wash itself.
Was it the 20% off coupons that did in Bed Bath & Beyond? Now where are we supposed to get the thingamajigs and doodads we so desperately need? If my long, thin rubber scraper with a hook on the end that gets every last drop of Hidden Valley Ranch from the bottle breaks, I’m screwed.
This is why I’m going to open a new store, a magical retail space with overflowing shelves of crap you didn’t know you needed until you saw it and said, “What is this?”
I wanted to call my genius megastore “Things and Stuff Limited” but that seemed too binding. Then I thought of “Things and Stuff Unlimited” but that seemed too open. That’s why this new shopping oasis will be known as “Things and Stuff, etc.” Practical things and fun stuff we need, impractical things and weird stuff no one really needs but everyone wants — that’s our foolproof business model. What could go wrong?
Look folks, I’m not planning on leaving my stellar gig here at the Light. I’ve got it way too good at this place. I get to hassle digital guru Jordan Palmer in new and creative ways each day and they pay me for it. Best. Job. Ever.
If, and I’m just saying if, I need to reinvent myself, I’ve got options.
