Cream cheese isn’t just a spread—it’s a way of life. It’s so important that we once published an entire story about how cream cheese tells the story of Jews in America. That’s how deep this goes.

That’s history. That’s legacy. That’s bagel culture.

So yeah, it’s safe to say some of us take our cream cheese very seriously. Very.

Which brings me to a recent Facebook comment that shook me to my core.

The Facebook schmear crisis

It started with our coverage of Bagel & Bliss, the new kosher bagel shop making waves in St. Louis. A great story. A feel-good, carb-filled celebration. I posted the story on our Facebook and then it happened. A fellow Jewish Light colleague, who shall remain anonymous (Elaine Bernstein Wernick) made comment on the post.

“Delish… I’m eating one right now with avocado schmear. I am going to go and get more today.”

Now, I try to be an open-minded person. I respect different tastes. I believe in personal freedoms. But some things simply cannot stand.

As a man of principle, I could not remain silent. Admittedly, speaking for the Jewish Light, I responded:

“We reject the idea of an avocado schmear on principle.”

Enter my fellow Jewish Light colleague Bill Motchan, who immediately understood the gravity of the situation and asked our colleague, who shall remain anonymous (Elaine Bernstein Wernick), the only logical question:

“Why would you do that to an innocent bagel?”

Bill gets it. A bagel is sacred. It is a centuries-old masterpiece of simplicity, a testament to Jewish culinary perfection. And yet, every day, bagels are being subjected to horrific violations in the form of flavored schmears gone rogue.

After careful research (and genuine horror), I have compiled the definitive list of the most bizarre, unnecessary or downright offensive cream cheese flavors that are actually sold in bagel shops across America, and I fear, the world.

The 15 schmear offenders

• Apple cinnamon cream cheese (If I wanted apple pie for breakfast, I’d eat actual apple pie.)
• Bleu cheese parsley cream cheese (A salad dressing should never be a schmear.)
• Caviar cream cheese (Oh, you fancy, huh?)
• Cherry cream cheese (Strawberry is acceptable. Cherry is a crime.)
• Dark chocolate cream cheese (Chocolate belongs in dessert, not on a bagel. This is an abomination.)
• Goat cheese schmear (Russ & Daughters may be famous, but I’m going to say it: Goat cheese does not belong on a bagel.)
• Horseradish dill cream cheese (Do you want your bagel to hurt you?)
• Jalapeño asiago cream cheese (Pick a lane—are you spicy, are you cheesy, or are you a mistake?)
• Lox cream cheese (Just put actual lox on your bagel like a civilized human.)
• Nutella cream cheese (Do we need to put hazelnut spread on a bagel? No. No, we do not.)
• Pineapple cream cheese (Pineapple belongs on my pizza, not my bagel. But that is a whole other discussion.)
• Pumpkin cream cheese (This is how the pumpkin spice cult infiltrates everything.)
• Red velvet cream cheese (Stop trying to turn cake into a bagel topping.)
• Spinach artichoke cream cheese (Great for a dip. Ain’t no schmear.)
• Wasabi cream cheese (For when you want to sweat while eating breakfast.)

Some of these exist because people love to experiment—but that doesn’t mean we have to accept them. I now fear that someone reading this will now go out and create more frightful flavors. Great, more material for when I update this story next year. So, with that in mind, here are the flavors I fear are coming.

Flavors I fear

• Ranch dressing cream cheese (Don’t put the Midwest’s most powerful condiment where it doesn’t belong.)
• Dill pickle schmear (It’s not a bad idea, but I refuse to endorse it on principle.)
• Buffalo chicken schmear (We have to draw a line somewhere, and this is it.)
• Barbecue sauce-infused lox spread (No one is safe if this happens.)

We must stop schmear anarchy

Bagels deserve better. We all deserve better. And I’m calling on the good people of St. Louis to take a stand. If you see something, say something. The next time you walk into a bagel shop and see something like “blueberry eggplant schmear,” I want you to pause, take a deep breath and make the right choice.

Because if we don’t put an end to this now, we could all be back on English muffins and no one wants that.