Family and friends say the funniest things
Published February 9, 2023
You darling readers have given me some wonderful feedback on this column, and I appreciate it. I especially love when you think I’m funny. Actually, I think my friends are way funnier than me. So I thought I’d share a couple of their stories to prove it. We could all use a laugh, so why not?
My bestie’s son Nick did something really funny when he was about 4 years old. He was trying on some clothes Nancy bought him, including dress pants. Boys that age aren’t so into dress pants, they prefer sweats and shorts and comfy clothes.
Little Nick had to pull on these scratchy, rough, formal pants, then use a zipper and button, not just yank on some elastic waist gym shorts. It wasn’t easy. Nick was so annoyed, so frustrated, so unhappy with these pants that he used all of the worst of the worst bad words he knew at one time, screaming, “I hate these stupid shut up pants!”
Yes Nick, hate, stupid and shut up are the very bad words.
My friend Stacey needed new wiper blades, and she was determined to change them herself. She went to an auto parts store and bought new ones. Back outside she went to her car and successfully removed the old ones. But despite her best efforts she couldn’t get the new blades on.
She tried several times. That’s when she realized this wasn’t her car … so she left. You’ve seen one silver sedan, you’ve seen them all. And this silver sedan with its wiper blades on its hood was probably quite a surprise for the actual owner.
My favorite story that isn’t mine belongs to my friend Louis Goldman. Back in the days before voicemail, he called a client and left a message with the secretary, a lovely older woman who had just started working there. Louis didn’t get a call back.
A few days later he called again, spoke with the secretary and left another message with her. Still no return call.
Louis then went to the client’s office to figure out the issue and asked, “Is everything OK? I left a couple messages with your new secretary and never heard back.” The client rolled his eyes, looked through his paper messages, stopped on one, and said, ‘Ah, you must be Moose Goldstein.’ ”
My sweet, sweet husband always remembers to include a greeting card for every birthday and holiday. He takes his time reading them to pick the perfect one. Except one year for Mother’s Day when he got his mom, Zelda, a card that read, “You’re like a mother to me.” He didn’t realize this is the card you get an aunt or female figure of importance who plays a major role in your life.
The best is that Zelda responded, “Jeff, I’m not like your mother, I am your mother.”
And if that’s not funny enough, when asked about it moments ago Jeff said, “I still don’t understand the problem.”
Jeff is so funny I think I might have him take over this column next time.
