When a friend used a Facebook posting to announce that her father had died, I have to admit that I was a bit startled.

It wasn’t that his death was unexpected. In fact, he’d been ill for some time and was receiving hospice care. It was the way I learned of his passing that unsettled me.  I found the posting on my Facebook home page sandwiched between other friends’ mundane musings about bulb-planting weather, a child’s remarks and even the assortment of candy on an office desk.

While I can’t say I’m totally comfortable with the idea of announcing a death on Facebook, it is an efficient way of sending notice without having to make dozens of calls at a time when your heart is breaking and you’re emotionally and physically exhausted.

Anyone who’s been through it knows how hard it is to give regular updates to relatives and friends when a loved one is in the final weeks, days and hours of life. It’s all you can do to just stay afloat.

When my mother died about two years ago, I didn’t even have a Facebook account. It’s hard to believe there was a time when I could communicate without it. Heaven forbid I should go to bed without checking my FB home page or e-mailed messages. 

Was it that long ago when I was surprised to get one of those e-mailed “invites” that allow for an online acceptance? On one hand, those electronic messages required so little effort to respond, but on the other hand, it took the fun out of retrieving my snail mail.  When was the last time you received a handwritten thank you on a fine ivory Crane note card folded neatly inside a satiny lined envelope? Those personal notes arrive as unexpected gifts slipped between the bills.

Although I enjoy the speed and efficiencies of online communication, and have certainly grown very dependent on it, it does make me wonder how it’s affecting my personal relationships and society at large.

Human beings are social beings so what happens to us when we choose to quickly shoot off an e-mail rather than pick up the phone? That captured time comes at the cost of hearing a friendly voice.

Too, the impersonal nature of Internet communication seems to have opened the door to crass and sometimes inhumane behavior that might not have occurred in a face-to-face encounter. We’ve all heard the stories of the public venting, cowardice and cruelty involving the Internet.  There are endless examples of how senders can wound with the click of the finger without ever having to see the pained expression of the person on the receiving end.

There’s the man who ends a serious relationship with an abruptly worded e-mail, thus avoiding the sight of tears and a need to give an explanation.

Or a family member who uses the anniversary of his mother’s death to make a surprise allegation on Facebook that she abused him decades ago.

And of course, there was Lori Drew. She was the St. Charles County mother who was accused of using MySpace to cyberbully Megan Meier who later committed suicide just before her 13th birthday. A federal judge ended up overturning a jury’s guilty verdict on three misdemeanor charges.

I discussed my concerns with Rabbi Mordecai Miller at Brith Sholom Kneseth Israel, where I belong. While he felt that social media is far from perfect, he doubted that the misuse was that prevalent. Besides, he said, there are people who will always act thoughtlessly and they don’t need Facebook or other types of social media to provide an avenue for misbehavior.

Most importantly, the benefits of Facebook and social media networking far outweigh the downside, he said.

“We don’t live in small communities anymore. Facebook and other types of social media allow people to remain close and stay in touch in a relatively easy way,” Rabbi Miller said. “If loneliness is one of the worst things you can experience, and I think it is, there wouldn’t be a need for these media to have developed.”

Perhaps he’s right. It’s certainly true in my case as I think of the many nights that have turned into early mornings as I poured out my heart to close buddies through Internet messages while they’re fast asleep in another time zone. Sometimes I’m lucky, and I get an unexpected soothing reply straight out of cyberspace.

And for my friend who just lost her father, her posting unleashed an immediate flood of sympathetic online responses.  Although I might have been a bit unnerved by the initial online announcement, I soon realized that those caring words brought my friend a measure of comfort and the sure knowledge that people care.   .

“Thanks to all for their condolences. Your thoughts are much appreciated,” my friend posted later in the day. “I showed them to Mom, who doesn’t understand Facebook, but it brought tears to her eyes.”

Dor to Dor

Gail Appleson is a writer for Armstrong Teasdale LLP and freelancer who lives in St. Louis.

“Dor to Dor,” is an intermittent Jewish Light series looking at various aspects of “grown-up” life and generational connections through the lens of Jewish writers living in the St. Louis area. If you are interested in contributing to Dor to Dor, please email [email protected].