It’s been said that rules are made to be broken. The best example of that is the New Year’s resolution. We start with grand plans, break them, then end up feeling bad. At this point in January, you’ve probably broken any resolutions you made anyway. Sound the horn, it’s quittin’ time.
Let’s flip the script this year and make resolutions that set the bar super low so that when we actually do something good or healthy, we feel like overachievers. We’re already bucking the system by making these resolutions long after the ball dropped in Times Square, so congrats.
In 2025, we are not going to pay attention to detail. Leave that to the perfectionists. Siri just loves to be a control freak and autocorrect our texts like she knows what’s best every time. But sometimes Siri oversteps her bounds and messes up and the text becomes a jumble puzzle.
Let’s be lazy this year and send the text anyway, no corrections to the autocorrections. So what if you happen to text your sister, “Send he done Gabe’s”? If she doesn’t know what that means — “Send me some games” in your wicked competitive Boggle With Friends war — is she really even your sister?
Not fixing Siri’s incorrect and frankly invasive autocorrects is a great way to weed out the family and friends who clearly don’t know you as well as they should. Social Darwinism, survival of the fittest.
In 2025, I’m going to eat foods that I know will upset my stomach, which will give me extra time in the bathroom. There I can sit in peace and scroll on my phone in solitude. Sometimes you just need a break.
Let’s work together this year to stop trends. Like everything bagel seasoning on everything that’s not a bagel. It’s good, but its overkill when you put it on, in or with, well, everything. We can create something new and unexpected like Nothing Bagel Seasoning or A Few Things Bagel Seasoning. Delicious.
Another trend, mostly on TikTok, are videos in which people say, “We listen and we don’t judge.” It’s when people spill deep, dark secrets or embarrassing moments to a friend who is not allowed to react. They only say, “We listen and we don’t judge.”
Wrong. Judging is my cardio. It’s also human nature. You bet your sweet bippy the friends in those videos are judging, they’re just doing it silently. We listen and we judge silently. Better yet, we judge and we don’t listen. You know what I always say: If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me.
In 2025, take time to remind yourself that you can do anything you put your mind to … unless it’s stupid or boring or too hard or you just don’t want to do it. This will help you justify not going the extra step, and people won’t count on you for stuff. You won’t have to learn to say no when they’re no longer asking you.
I want to change who I am this year. I want to be the new Jan Brady. I want to be outwardly mean and conniving and not try to save it for private. I want to overshare more than I already overshare. You’d never believe it, but there are things I actually keep bottled up inside. Well not anymore, Satan! I’m going to be one of those Magazine Girls, because I’ll have new issues every week. I want to be Ursula the Sea Witch from “The Little Mermaid.”
In 2025, we will realize that looking natural and not trying too hard is the best plan. This way, when people actually see you dolled up, they’ll jump at the chance to tell you how great you look. In 2024 and years prior, we worked hard at looking great and then, if we threw on sweats and no makeup to run an errand, an acquaintance would look at us like, “Do you not own a mirror? Or a breath mint?”
Remember, keep everyone’s expectations super low, especially your own.
This year, let’s just start out feeling bad about ourselves so there is nowhere to go but up.
