I have a lot of random ideas swimming around in my head. They’re doing laps, jumping off the high dive and frankly just taking up space. It’s time to purge my flooded brain.  

• Charcuterie boards can be so impressive, elaborate and inviting. It takes creativity to artfully arrange your basic fruits and cheeses and meats just so. What if you don’t have that kind of time or attention to detail? I don’t. So next time I have people over, I’m going to leave out dips in their original plastic tub containers and throw open bags of chips on the counter and call it “lowcuterie.” 

• Are you one of those people at the grocery store who won’t take the first item in the front, but rather takes the second or third version stacked behind it? Instead of grabbing the front box of Cocoa Puffs on the shelf, you rifle behind for a different box, thinking it might be fresher or have a later expiration date — or might have been touched by fewer people. 

I think the grocery stores know that game and have figured out a way to trick us. They might know we take apples from the underbelly of the pile and bread from the back of the row. I bet the grocery employees do a reversal of items and put the freshest stuff up front, and the boxes of Cocoa Puffs they secretly licked in the break room into positions two and three on the shelf. It’s the employees’ way of giving us high-maintenance shoppers the middle finger. 

• Friends who overthink and worry all the time — we might be on to something. Looking back, how many of the scenarios that kept you awake at night worrying actually happened? Not a lot, right? See, worrying works! It’s almost scientifically proven. Most of the stuff we worry about never even happens, so don’t let anyone tell you to relax. Stick to your nutty guns and keep on panicking for no reason. It probably burns more calories than being chill. Pat yourself on the back for worrying in a way that prevents disaster. We thank you. 

• A great game show idea would be sending people into Ikea to see if anyone could accurately pronounce the names of products. Those clever Swedes come up with some good ones. Schlarfenflarf and Kjuggenhaager aren’t easy to say. On our show, “Name! That! Omojlig!” whoever can correctly say the Swedish words for “table with hollow legs” and “cheaply made plastic tubs” wins a year’s supply of Pfufferenschnog. May the best pronouncer win.

• We are all doing the best we can, and sometimes we can do better. For example, I think there’s a more efficient way to be gay. If I were going to be in a same-sex couple, I would also want to make sure it’s a same-size couple so I could double my wardrobe. It works for platonic roommates, too. 

• Nightclubs for menopausal women could prove quite popular. We should open up one together. Let’s do a strip club, but there won’t be dancer-type strippers on a stage. Instead, we women of a certain age strip off our own clothing as our hot flashes flare up. Pants come off as our legs turn into fire sticks. Shirts are removed as our own body heat suffocates us from deep within our burning souls. Don’t get me started on bras. 

We’re in a nightclub setting because we still want to be hip and have fun with our friends. We would have to serve good food, too. We could call it “Chicken Strip Club.”  Or maybe we would feature a made-to-order omelet station and call the place “Flash in the Pan.”  

We can workshop the details.