Sometimes you have leftover food in the fridge for too long and you have to clean it out. Or the photo roll on your smartphone is jam-packed so you have to remove a few pics. 

In the same way, my brain is filled with all kinds of random thoughts, so I need to purge. This seems like a great place for that. 

As I empty that portion of my mind, rest assured that all of my useless anxieties and worries are still taking up prime real estate between my ears. I present you with 18 random thoughts. 

1. In an emergency, Americans call 911. In Israel, do they call 119?

2. There should be a class for husbands called “Storytelling and Details,” because none of them know how to relay a story or give us details.

3. My kids only need me when I am on the phone. Or the toilet.

4. I’m writing a bedtime story for older adults. It’s called “One Last Pish.”

5. If someone I\sort of\don’t like is going to Israel, I purposely forget to tell them not to shave their legs before going into the Dead Sea. If I\really\don’t like them, I secretly hope they float in the portion of water that’s only been lightly salted.\ 

6. Why is it that I have to pay like $500 for an airplane ticket but the flight attendant can’t give me the whole can of soda?

7. Actual conversation with my sister:

Susie – You seem anxious today.

Me – I’m anxious every day. Today I just don’t have the energy to hide it. 

8. You’re limited to only what you know.  But guess what: That’s not all there is. Open your mind.

9. My kids have never said the words “shut up” out loud to me. Instead, they just say it with their eyes, which might actually be louder.

10. Sometimes I feel the need to shop but don’t want to spend the money, so I shop online, put things in my virtual cart and then never hit “checkout.”  

11. Nine times out of 10, when I’m on the phone with my mother, she says, “I love you” at the exact second I’m hanging up, so I’m sure she thinks that when she tells me how she feels my instinct is to hang up on her.

12. Of all the things I’ve lost in my life, my metabolism is the thing I miss most. 

13. The best snack for any occasion, daytime or late at night, tipsy or sober, whether you’re rich or poor, is American cheese melted onto tortilla chips. 

14. One day I’m going to distract everyone in my mah jongg group and use a joker in a pair.

15. Having a husband with a cold is like having 100 babies. 

16. When Catholics hear the word “mass” they think of church.  When Jews hear the word “mass” they think of cancer.

17. We’re told everything happens for a reason.  But I have a lot of questions.

18. You know you’ve reached the pinnacle of Jewish motherhood when your child calls and you answer the phone with, “What’s wrong?” instead of “Hello?”