Anyone hurt by a close family member will relate to Joseph in this week’s Torah portion, Vayigash. Sold into slavery by his jealous brothers, Joseph manages to become the second-in-command viceroy to Egypt’s Pharaoh. Unrecognized by his brothers, who come to Egypt during a famine, Joseph has the opportunity to either take revenge or forgive his brothers. When Joseph tests the brothers by planting a silver goblet in the youngest brother, Benjamin’s, saddlebags, his older brother, Judah pleads with the powerful viceroy to take him instead of Benjamin in servitude for the “stolen” goblet. Judah appeals to the powerful man by saying that his father will die of grief if Benjamin does not return to him.

Joseph is, indeed, moved by Judah’s heartfelt plea. About to lose self-control, Joseph dismisses all of his attendants and begins to sob loudly. After maintaining a charade with his brothers, Joseph finally reveals himself as their brother, and absolves them of all responsibility for selling him into slavery, saying this was God’s plan to ensure their survival. Before returning them to Canaan to bring their father and families to Egypt to wait out the famine, Joseph tearfully embraces Benjamin, and his other brothers in turn.

Few of us have had our siblings sell us into slavery and then tell our parents that we are dead. But many of us have experienced something hurtful, in word or action, by a close family member. And it is not unusual for family members to become estranged, for months, years, or decades – with little or no communication. What the brothers did to Joseph was outrageous; even saying “it was God’s will” is not an excuse! But Joseph was presented with a choice: forgive and reconcile with his brothers or seek revenge. Burned once by his brothers, he warily took some time and tested them before making his decision; it was important to know if they had changed and were truly contrite. Certainly Judah – whose idea it was to sell Joseph into slavery – had matured, as shown by his understanding that his behavior had caused his father immense grief, and also by his ability to “man up” and offer himself instead of Benjamin. For Joseph, the combination of sincere contrition and change is sufficient. He takes the high road by forgiving his brothers and making it clear that he wants to be close to them and help them out in their time of need. He is not holding grudges!

What can we take away from this story of family members causing one another to suffer? When we have been deeply hurt, we want to know that the offender understands how their action or words were hurtful, and has taken steps toward change. When this is evident, we – like Joseph – need to let go of the past hurt and reach toward our loved ones with forgiveness and compassion. May we each choose wisely when given the opportunity to do so.

D’var Torah – Vayigash

Rabbi Ari Hendin serves the Shir Hadash Reconstructionist Community as cantor, is a teacher for CAJE’s “JOLT” teen education program, and is a member of the St. Louis Rabbinical Association.