There are certain things that some of us don’t discuss in polite conversation. Religion. Politics. Money. Maybe sickness. We certainly do not talk about death. 

However, at some point in our lives we become aware of our  mortality. To be human means that, eventually, we all die. It is not exactly the sort of cheery subject we want to talk about with anyone, let alone our loved ones. 

As I began training to be a rabbi and working closely with people facing the end of their lives, I noticed something. For something we have all tacitly agreed not to talk about, people do want deeper conversations with their spiritual leaders about death. 

Our tradition offers us a conversation about death and dying that has unfolded over centuries with many voices weighing in. When we encounter a specific narrative of about dying, we need to pay attention. 

In Parshat Vayechi, the great patriarch Jacob is on his deathbed. He is 147 years old and has lived many lives. It is rare when the Torah describes the final moments of one of our most important elders. We have a chance to learn from them, and to find new insights that can address our questions and fears. 

Here are three lessons for us from the death of Jacob: 

1. When the dying clearly express their wishes, we must listen to and honor them. 

When Jacob knew the end of his days approached, he asks Joseph to treat him with faithful kindness and to promise that when he dies, he will not be buried in Egypt. His body must be brought back to the burial cave of his ancestors in Canaan (Genesis 47:30). Joseph replies that he will, but Jacob says again, “Swear it to me!” and he does. Joseph responds to his beloved father with kindness and respect for his wishes, without questioning the challenging logistics. Later in the parsha, Jacob shares his request with all of his sons (49:29-32). 

There is no guarantee in this life that we will have as much time as Jacob to speak to our loved ones. However, we can take the steps to do our best to make our wishes known and give our dear ones the chance to honor them. We can decide where we want to be laid to rest, who should take on certain roles and responsibilities on our behalf, and plan for the future. This is a faithful kindness we can show to those who we hope will outlive us. 

2. Sometimes we do things differently to give the dying peace, even if we don’t understand. 

We know that Jacob is advanced in years and that his sight is failing (Genesis 48:10). He gathers Joseph’s two boys close and goes to bless them. Joseph comes forward and places Ephraim, the younger son, on Jacob’s left side, and he places Manasseh, the elder, on Jacob’s right.Jacob crosses his hands, placing his right hand on the head of Ephraim, the younger, and his left hand of the head of Manasseh, the firstborn. 

Joseph thinks his father has mixed up his hands; “it seemed wrong to him” and he corrects him (48:17-18). Jacob refuses and reiterates that he intended to bless them exactly that way; the younger would be greater than his older brother (48:19). 

Often when dealing with our elders, we want to help, correct and remind, with the best of intentions. However, we need to honor our elders when they defy our expectations of dying. It is our job to respect them as best we can and bring peace to their final days, not remind them of what they cannot do. 

Everyone deserves the opportunity to tie up loose ends in their own way, even if it seems strange to others.   

3. Leave behind words of blessing as part of your legacy. 

Jacob gives multiple blessings over dozens of verses before he dies. He declares that not only will the two sons of Joseph have a portion in the Promised Land, but all of Israel will bless each other by their names. (So far, we still do. We bless male children with the phrase, “May God make you like Ephraim and Manasseh.”) He then issues poetic blessings to his remaining sons. The Torah explains that they received blessings that befit them (49:28). 

The text offers us the aspiration that we leave unique and appropriate blessings to each of our loved ones. Bequeathing final words of wisdom, advice and caution to our loved ones can give them exactly the blessing they need to face the world without us. 

With one generation ending, the book of Genesis ends with these final stories to guide us through transitions, dying and looking toward the future. 

Chazak chazak v’nitchazek. May they continue to strengthen us.

Rabbi Lori Levine is rabbi educator at Congregation Shaare Emeth and a member of the St. Louis Rabbinical Association, which coordinates the weekly d’var Torah for the Jewish Light.