Editor’s note: This month’s teen page stories are intended solely as parody in the spirit of a Purim spiel and should not be taken as fact.

On Sunday, March 6, a group of Israeli rabbis made a shocking discovery: the Torah contains laws that were previously unknown to the Jewish people. The St. Louis Rabbinical Association has decided that all area synagogues must practice these findings in order to continue receiving recognition as a synagogue by the end of March.

These new practices consist of a ban on gefilte fish and apples, prohibiting warm showers and moving Shabbat to Wednesday nights.

“I like this new, rigid structure found in the Torah, because it makes me feel closer to G-d. These new rules show us how much G-d truly cared for us because his restrictions are all made out of love,” said Dave Goldstein, a senior at Ladue High School.

Goldstein and some of his fellow classmates have already begun practicing these new laws as they slowly make their way into synagogues.

“I’m really thankful for these findings. I truly believe that they are legitimate and that G-d has spoken His words of wisdom. If He says that apples are not OK to eat, and that Shabbat must be moved, then it must be,” said Sarah Goldberg, a junior at Parkway South High School.

While some Jews may choose to follow the new laws, others do not wish to comply. Jews from around the country are revolting against their synagogues because of the new discoveries.

“I like warm showers and my apples. G-d can’t tell me what fruits I can or cannot eat,” said Micah Frank, a freshman at John Burroughs School.

Micah claims that Jews are not allowed to eat pork because the Bible forbade them from eating unclean animals. But she argues that apples are not animals. Her family has stopped attending synagogue because they feel as if these new practices are not justified.

While rabbis say that they must validate these recent practices, the Israeli rabbis who made this discovery have yet to show where in the Torah they picked up these practices.

Meanwhile, some Jewish families have begun to rally against various synagogues in St. Louis by standing outside them on Friday Shabbat and passing out apples for people to eat.