Studying for a bar or bat mitzvah can be one of the most nerve-racking experiences in a young teenager’s life. There are months upon months of studying, which often place teens in high-stress situations. Often times students carry enormous anxiety with them as their bar or bat mitzvah approaches.

Rabbi Jim Bennett, of Congregation Shaare Emeth, believes the strain of studying for a bar or bat mitzvah comes from a tremendous burden to perform in front of hundreds of people. Rather than focus on performance, Bennett would prefer the spotlight be on the meaning of the ceremony, which transitions a 13-year-old into adulthood. 

“I think a lot of the stress that is created [comes from] imposing a model that did something very different in it’s origins,” Bennett said. “A lot of stress and giant parties is [what students] get up and perform for. And neither of those were what the original bar and bat mitzvah was supposed to be about. It was supposed to be a sweet, gentle, beautiful ceremony and as a society we’ve transformed it.” 

Both Bennett and Shaare Emeth have many solutions for dealing with any nerves a student may have.The first thing rabbis will often do is simply talk about what’s going on with their students.

“One thing we want [is] to name the stress,” Bennett said. “We talk to the [kids], we talk to their families. We are absolutely always willing to adapt our expectations and our requirements to the real needs of each kid.” 

Cantor Sharon Nathanson of Congregation B’nai Amoona agrees that b’nai mitzvah training should be adjusted to meet the students needs, not the requirements of the synagogue. Nathanson looks at the reality of her students’ lives, and has them begin studying from there. 

“Wherever students are, both adults and kids, we [try] and create a process and experience that works for them,” Nathanson said. “Generally, whatever someone thinks they can do, we encourage them to do just a little more. Not as a way to pressure the student, but as a way to realize what’s possible. You can give them little pieces at a time and they end up doing much more than [they] thought was possible.” 

Another strategy Bennett and Shaare Emeth use is helping students ease their burdens by pushing back bar and bat Mitzvah dates. While the congregation tries not to make a habit out of it, Bennett does say it occurs about two to four times a year. 

“If a kid comes in and they’re really struggling, and they need more help, we will add time with them and get them additional tutoring if necessary,” Bennett said. “We might say that instead of becoming a bar mitzvah at 13, why don’t we get them studying… and maybe you can become [a] bar mitzvah in a year and a half or two years? We try our hardest not to water down the experience.” 

For Cavan Helmering, a 14-year-old member of United Hebrew, family played a major role in helping her get through her bat mitzvah last year. Even though they weren’t able to help her practice with the material, they encouraged her to keep learning, and helped her mentally prepare to not be nervous for when her bat mitzvah arrived. 

“Even parents who don’t read Hebrew can create space for their child to learn in,” Nathanson said. “Parents can help just by asking, ‘Did you practice today?’ This lets [their] child know that [they] value the process.”

An additional factor that helped Cavan was that she almost always went to her rabbis and cantors when she needed a question answered. Having them able to guide her reduced the worry she felt and helped make her studying experience flow more smoothly.  

“They won’t make you feel like [your question] is stupid,” Cavan said. “They’ll take it into consideration, put thought into it and make sure your question is answered.”

But getting support from rabbis, cantors and family can only help so much. Both Cantor Nathanson and Cavan agree that students should be practicing nearly every day.

“[Students] need to start studying as early as they can,” Cavan said. “[They] have to try and make sure [they] know the material and keep going over it. But if you need to, have some time away from [studying] so that it doesn’t cause too much stress and anxiety.”