Editor’s note: This teen page story is intended solely as parody in the spirit of Purim and should not be taken as fact.

Since the dawn of matzah ball soup, an attribute of the delicious Passover dish has torn families apart, plagued millions and destroyed lives: the density of matzah balls. In fact, the hard vs. soft matzah ball debate overshadows all other disagreements within Judaism and its scripture. 

No one quite knows which originated first, the ‘floater’ or the ‘sinker.’ It seems as though both parties of this heated debate lay claim to the designation. Regardless of the history, people who prefer their matzah balls on the softer side seem to think that their enemies need to lighten up. The sinker fans, on the other hand, often scoff at their opponents on the basis of not being able to appreciate the complex texture of the firm, flourless product. “I intend to disassociate myself from any friend or acquaintance who is discovered to be a floater fan,” said an anonymous sinker enthusiast.

 In some communities, the great matzah ball debate has become so heated that it’s affecting the dating scene. Young people are placing their preference on their J-Swipe profiles and discouraging those who disagree with them from even bothering to swipe.

“My mom used to tell me never to discuss religion or politics on a first date,” said Shana Punim, a single woman. “Now I need to add matzah balls to that list.”

Rabbis from every denomination of Judaism have come together to discuss a path to reconcile the population on this divisive issue.

What deems this age-old debate newsworthy this Passover season is the incredibly high rate of misconduct on the grounds of the soup. In Fauxville, Wyo., for example, 12 protesters were arrested outside a deli that was selling soup with soft matzah balls. “I can’t believe this is a real thing,” said an eyewitness.