Editor’s note: This month’s teen page stories are intended solely as parody in the spirit of a Purim spiel and should not be taken as fact.

On Yom Kippur, Sept. 23, 2015, a rowdy crowd of 15,000 celebrity guests assembled at California’s Our Lady of Chutzpah Church as actor and filmmaker James Franco became a bar mitzvah. Franco, whose mother is a Russian-Jewish immigrant, described the deep meaning and fulfillment of Judaism in his life that motivated him to pursue a bar mitzvah at age 37.

“My mother instilled in me a strong sense of Jewish identity growing up, as I was taught to only curse in Yiddish, exclusively date Jewish girls, and not to eat pastrami on white bread with mayonnaise, as that would be extremely goyish,” Franco said. “My first words were not ‘mama’ or ‘dada.’ They were ‘schvitz’ and ‘shmutz.’ ”

Franco’s quest to become a bar mitzvah began several years ago with a memorable trip to the Holy Land through Birthright Israel. He described the experience as a rediscovery of his commitment to the Jewish values of charity and selflessness.

“During the bus ride from the Israeli airport, I was moved to tears as I swiped my credit card on the side of the tzedakah box,” Franco said. “I learned to make incredible sacrifices on the Birthright trip, such as going without free Wi-Fi and embracing hummus as a food group.”

Franco confessed the intimate details of his bar mitzvah festivities. He reported that it was most important to him that his guests feel the power of Judaism in the food they devoured throughout the evening.

“The rabbis, cantors, mohels and devout Jewish guests who regularly attended Friday night shabbat services were seated in a special room and served beef tenderloin, expensive hand-cut lox and fine champagne,” Franco said. “But the High Holiday Jews who only show at temple twice a year and my gentile guests feasted on pork roast, shrimp couscous and beef ice cream for dessert.”

Highlights of the evening included spectacular performances by several well-known musicians and vocalists. Taylor Swift and Kanye West kicked off the evening’s entertainment with a dramatic duet.

“I was honored to play at this momentous occasion,” Swift said. “I’ve always wanted to be Jewish, and I decided to forgive Kanye for all of his insults and make up as friends in the spirit of Yom Kippur.”

Franco’s inspiring mitzvah project brought tears to the eyes of audience members who were touched by his generous spirit. With great emotion, Franco recounted his mission trips in which he selflessly provided string bikinis to impoverished women who could not afford them.

“What an exhilarating feeling to have almost all 15,000 of my bar mitzvah guests agree to become spring breakers with me this year,” Franco said.

Guests were also overwhelmed by the thoughtful party favors Franco gave them as a thank you for attending this monumental affair. Franco’s party planner, Selena Gomezstein, remarked that selecting the keepsakes for this event was a magical experience for her.

“James and I crawled around for hours at the Dead Sea, scooping up mud to make deep cleansing facial masks for our guests,” Gomezstein said. “It added such a special, personal touch to the bar mitzvah because James is so obsessed with the wrinkles appearing on his face as he ages. We wanted to also offer free botox injections to guests as they left, but the costs exceeded our budget.”

As throngs of people surrounded Franco and hoisted him up in his chair for the hora, the crowd broke into a hypnotic chant of “Circumcise him now! Circumcise him now!” pulsating to the tune of “Hava Nagila.” Unnerved by the crowd’s enthusiasm as they gathered Crayola children’s safety scissors, Franco was observed to have wet his pants during the hora. 

While bar mitzvahs come and go for typical 13-year-old little pishers, James Franco’s milestone bar mitzvah is certain to be remembered for decades to come.