Gefiltepocolypse: Authorities Declare Gefilte Fish Extinct

Gefiltepocolypse: Authorities Declare Gefilte Fish Extinct

Haley Horowitz Freshman, Ladue Horton Watkins High School

Editor’s note: This month’s teen page stories are intended solely as parody in the spirit of a Purim spiel and should not be taken as fact.

Gefilte fish has been pushed to extinction, experts say. Gefilte fish is a popular Jewish cuisine during Shabbat or Passover, beloved by many.  It is a brown and white fish, typically 2-feet long and has a 6-inch tail.

“It is a tragedy,” said Sam N. Rosenberg, head of the fish department at Foods Typically Eaten During Jewish Holidays Corporation, or FTEDJHC.  “The gefilte fish extinction was most likely caused by the maztahbear, closely related to a panda.”

Pirah Na has a different theory.

ADVERTISEMENT
Anat Cohen at The Sheldon

Na, the leader of the charity organization Save the Jewish Fish that are Going Extinct, believes the fish were driven to extinction by another source.  “I believe the extinction of the gefilte fish was caused by the kochallah bear,” said Na. “The gefilte fish typically swam in pools that kochallahs drink from.”

Though the extinction caused devastating losses to the Jewish fish industry, there is more to the problem.  Riots have broken out when people found they could not have their favorite fish.   Marina Green, chair of the Riots That Have Been Caused By Fish Board, witnessed one. 

“It was pure madness,” said Green.  “I have seen many riots through my line of work but none like this. I saw people marching in front of the supermarket, and armed police were at the door.”

Green also said her board members had heard rumors of stockpiled Gefilte fish in some small European countries, and are planning on taking action to stop the monopoly.

“My coworkers and I know that we simply cannot survive without this fish for our Shabbat and Passover dinners,” Green said.  “I would go with them, but alas, my job is here, to protect American people from the imminent riots to come out of this horrible event.”

Currently, Jews from across the world are rallying together, and one American created a petition online titled, “Clone the Gefilte Fish or Else We Will Start Our Own Nation and Probably Declare War.” The petition has already received over 1.3 million signatures.

“It is obvious the government needs to take action,” said Stephanie Stein, creator of the petition.  “The government needs to realize the people will not stand for this.  We want our gefilte fish and we want it now! We will get our gefilte fish or die trying!”