Deadly virus spreads among Jewish community

By Rachel Wolfe, junior, Block Yeshiva High School

Editor’s note: This month’s teen page stories are intended solely as parody in the spirit of a Purim spiel and should not be taken as fact.

Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) discovered a new virus last week in Muncy, N.Y. that targets only people of Jewish descent. This virus can lead to loss of appendages and possibly death. Known as Oliphan’s Disease, the virus is transmitted through airborne antigens and is highly contagious.

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Symptoms vary in severity from case to case, depending on the strength of the virus initially inhaled. The most prominent symptom is swelling of the nose. In severe cases, the nose elongates and grows into a shape similar to an elephant’s trunk; hence naming it after the elephant, calling it Oliphan’s Disease. The disease can potentially lead to respiratory failure, as the victim may not be able to inhale and exhale normally. A person with Oliphan’s Disease may also experience nausea, extreme fatigue, fever and body aches. Another common symptom is the desire to gorge on food. This desire increases exponentially as the virus spreads through one’s system. One may also experience the need to give an opinion loudly and to speak before thinking.

“Oliphan’s Disease is not to be taken lightly,” said Dr. Gregory House, the top pathology doctor in the United States and a researcher at Johns Hopkins University. “This disease could spread through the entire Jewish population if it is not dealt with immediately.”

Luckily, a pill that will prevent people from contracting Oliphan’s Disease is currently in the works.

“The pill is about the size of a quarter,” Dr. House said. “It has a few minor side effects, but the test results show that it will be able to prevent almost 100 percent of the expected afflictions.”

The side effects of this pill may include inflammation of the nostrils, temporary loss of speech and the desire to eat only cholent.

“I already have a problem with talking,” said Elizabeth Gold, a senior at Fully Intellectual Shalom High. “What will I do if I lose all control of my speech? One of my friends had this disease before it became well known. She was meeting with President Obama, and she told him that she believed he belonged in Gehenim. Thankfully, he didn’t understand what this implied.

“What if I meet someone famous, like Brad Pitt, and accidentally insult him?”

The CDC has been working with the World Health Organization to quarantine all cases of this virus. The fear is Oliphan’s Disease could lead to widespread anti-Semitism, and must be controlled without delay.