Editor’s note: This month’s teen page stories are intended solely as parody in the spirit of a Purim spiel and should not be taken as fact.

“Hey, could you pass the gefilte fish? Oy, that matzah hit the spot, but the haroset is really giving me the runs.” While this may sound like an embarrassing conversation someone had with their bubbe at last year’s Passover, it could just as easily be a dinner time chat between Beyoncé and Jay-Z, thanks to the new kosher diet that has swept Hollywood.

What started as a single cookbook by celebrity author Gwyneth Paltrow has taken American stars by storm. In her book, “The Kosher Take-Over: Secrets to keeping a Kosher and Kosher+ Diet,” Paltrow explained how keeping kosher has changed her life, and recommended it to anyone who wants to lose a quick 10 pounds. She did not stop there, and further suggested the Kosher+ diet, where meals are not only limited to kosher food, but may only consist of traditional Jewish dishes.

“After my first meal of gefilte fish on the Kosher+ diet, I felt completely rejuvenated,” Paltrow said. “My skin was practically aglow!”

Later in the book, Paltrow suggested some appetizing and nutritious new twists to old Jewish dishes to spice them up. Recipes such as the quinoa-kale-chai-acai berry latke, and the egg, lactose, and gluten free challah attracted stars immediately.

“I’m a bro-sher; I’m going kosher! #oyvey #mazel” Lil’ Wayne tweeted, just a week after the book was released.

Other notable stars have endorsed this diet, including Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, and Miley Cyrus, among many more. These celebrities have fully embraced the Kosher+ diet; some have taken it even farther than it was thought possible by coming out with their very own kosher spin-off diets.

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi won first place in the race to publish. Her cookbook, “Ko for Po: The P’over Kosher Diet” details how to remain Passover kosher for not only one week, but throughout the entire year.

“I feel a very special connection with Moses and his crew, and I think we share similar values,” Snooki said. “For one, they knew how important a tan was, even if it took 40 years in a desert. Dedication! But more importantly, they knew when they were in a time crunch. They didn’t have time to let their bread rise, and you know what, neither do I! Between partying and…yeah, I don’t have time for that! Oh, and a quick beauty tip for all my ladies out there: want to know the secret to my seemingly ageless face? Schmaltz. Two dabs. Twice a day. Everyday. Schmaltz.”

While all this frenzy may seem harmless, small business owners beg to differ. Irving Goldfarb, owner and founder of “The Kosher Emporium” in downtown L.A. has been outraged ever since kosher became “kool.”

“I am business man and I understand that money is good,” Goldfarb said, “But seriously? I mean, before this, I would occasionally get your Madonnas and Natalie Portmans, but this is too much. I have had to order 40,000 pounds of gefilte fish over the past few weeks, and it is a pain in the neck! The gefilte fish will practically go extinct at this rate. Oh, and G-d forbid we ever run out of matzah! When we run out, everything goes to the looney bin. I have got Anne Hathaway screaming bloody murder and throwing hamantaschen in one corner while Ryan Gosling bawls uncontrollably in the other. It is a mad house! I mean, oy vey!”

Like many other celebrity fads, this diet will probably be just that: a fad. There has already been some buzz on Paltrow’s new cookbook, “Never Mind! I Am Buddhist Vegetarian Now!” Nonetheless, kosher is still very popular and as the wise Lil’ Wayne once said, “Kosher ain’t goin’ nowhere!” •