Rx for love


With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, the Jewish Light talked to Diana Kirschner, a clinical psychologist whose new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love, has thrust her firmly in the pop-culture sphere, with numerous national TV appearances and workshops across the country.

Kirschner, of New York City, converted to Judaism when she married her husband of more than 25 years.

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She will be one of the featured speakers at the Working Women’s Survival Show, Feb. 13-15 at the St. Charles Convention Center.

What led you down the path to become a love and relationship doctor?

Growing up, I really didn’t see that many role models in terms of loving couples around me. I struggled as a teenager with my own dead-end dating patterns, and I really wanted to discover what it was that could really help people find love and create lasting love.

I have been on that mission for a long, long time. I received my Ph.D. in clinical psychology and I studied healthy couples. A big part of that was looking at singles, and their psychology and how they could create lasting couple relationships. And of course, I’ve used my private lab — my marriage.

This book, Love in 90 Days, basically outlines the main strategies and techniques I have found to be the most powerful in creating a lasting love relationship.

Is it really possible to distill the process of finding love into three months?

That’s about the fastest it can be done. For the first time in history you can do this.

Why now?

Fifty years ago there was no online dating. There was no social networking. No ability to Google and find activities in your city with lots of the opposite sex in them. No cell phones, texting or emailing. We were less connected then. Now your choices are now exponentially greater than they have ever been.

If you follow the steps in the book, you’ll move ahead significantly in terms of self-love, personal empowerment and could quite easily find the one. Or some people like to take the principles and techniques and they just use them in their own time frame.

What has been the feedback from readers?

I just heard from a woman who decided her time frame was five years. Now she is engaged, in her 50s. She used the dating principles and she found an amazing guy on JDate. She’s thrilled. And it happened when she wanted.

Another woman in her 40s did it in 60 days. A lot of it depends on one’s intentions, and one’s willingness to try things.

What are some of the key concepts of the book?

You have to do the inner work, where you get rid of your self-sabotaging results. You have to get rid of those thoughts that “I’m too old, too fat,” or that “there are no good men out there.” I tell people to craft a love intention and figure out what it is we want. There are so many types of love relationships — it could be about companionship, excitement, romance, travel or creating a family. Most of the time, we’re not putting our attention on what we want.

I talk about the dating program of three, where you date three members of the opposite sex at the same time — but no sex with any of them. You can have a little kissing, a little canoodling, but this way you don’t fall into an infatuation with one person, which can blow up in your face.

You take your time and you can compare and contrast and decide who works best for you.

Doesn’t it get complicated, trying to juggle three?

I suggest people take notes. Once you use the methods in this book, you’ll wind up with a lot of guys to choose from, even though the first thing I always hear from women is, “I can’t even find one good guy.”

But I talk about mastering the “search engine secrets” of online dating and how you can meet plenty of people online and offline. If you do it step by step, it’s not a problem, even if you’re older, even if you’re overweight.

Any secrets you can share about online dating?

It’s important to take steps to get a higher search ranking — which means more guys, or more women, will see your profile. Number one: log on in the morning and leave your computer on all day. You’ll have a bigger crop by evening.

Second, trade messages on the site with your friends – they boost your activity level. Also, if you just change something on your profile – even just taking a sentence out and then pasting it back and re-save — you come up as recently updated or new, which can rank you higher on searches.

On some sites, like eHarmony, if you don’t like the yields you’re getting, if you complain to customer service they’ll give you more.

Is your book specifically for women?

The book is written for women, but it’s equally useful for men. And couples have told me it’s helpful, because there’s a lot about developing self-love, empowerment, self-esteem, busting through shyness, and also a chapter on habits of healthy couples, which is a guidebook for a couple in terms of creating a lasting love, one that gets better over time.

You’ve been married for more than 25 years — what’s your secret?

I talk in my book about the eight habits of healthy couples.

Really healthy couples are like best friends with chemistry. Research even shows a ratio in healthy couples of five positive and loving verbal or non-verbal acts or gestures to one negative one. What does that mean? They tend to be very gracious and nice to each other.

Also, it’s very important to have an affair with each other. You have to keep the romance alive.

In other words, would I be wearing this ratty bathrobe if I was having an affair with this man?

Any advice for men about a failsafe Valentine’s Day gift?

We’re all culturally ingrained to seek love and receive, and perhaps more importantly, expect love on Valentine’s Day. You have to understand what has meaning to your girlfriend or your wife. Is she a flower person, a chocolate person, does she like to be dined or perhaps a small gift person or does she just want some special time with you, where you give her a lot of attention?

Whatever it is, you can definitely get major points on Valentine’s Day.

You’ll be in St. Louis during Valentine’s Day — is that stifling your own Valentine’s plans with your husband?

He’s so adorable. He knew I had this conference in St. Louis, so he says to me, “Honey, guess what I’m giving you for Valentine’s Day? I’m coming with you.”

It was so sweet. He booked his tickets and he researched a really nice hotel. He figured out what meant the most to me, which was spending time together.


WHAT: Signing and discussion of her book, Love in 90 Days: the Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love

WHEN: Noon on Friday, Feb. 13

WHERE: Working Women’s Survival Show, St. Charles Convention Center

HOW MUCH: $8.50 for adults and $6.50 for seniors over 60 and children 6-11

MORE INFO: www.wwssonline.com.