Sadly, this year I attended the funeral of the beloved husband of a former colleague. I’ve been to many funerals in the past, but none like this one. The words spoken by this man’s family and friends painted a picture so vivid, I could imagine myself inserted into every scene of life they so eloquently described. It was a collection of eulogies like none I have ever heard before.

This experience made me think—how would I write a meaningful eulogy? How would anyone?

To help me answer this question and to help teach us more about the role of the eulogy, I turned to Rabbi James Bennett, Senior Rabbi of Congregation Shaare Emeth for guidance.

What is the importance of a eulogy in a Jewish funeral service?

I have always believed that the hesped, or eulogy, is one of the most important parts of the process of grieving, mourning and of the funeral service itself. Mourners often experience the process of planning for and then listening to a eulogy as one of the most cathartic parts of the first few days after the death of a loved one. Jewish tradition encourages one who is delivering a eulogy to describe the life of the deceased, to highlight their merits and accomplishments, to describe their relationships and family connections, and to help the mourners to remember stories of the very best of their loved ones’ lives.

How do you guide family members in preparing a meaningful eulogy?

I am a firm believer that mourners should NOT feel obligated to speak at the funeral of their loved ones, although many people in our contemporary culture choose to do so. Traditionally, one of the most honored roles for the clergy is to serve as the “mouthpiece” of the mourners and to deliver the eulogy on their behalf. To this end, I spend as much time as possible sitting with the immediate family and sometimes the closest friends of the deceased and invite them to tell me the story of their loved one’s life. I often interview them to help guide the discussion, asking leading questions that will help them to reflect on the details of their lives. I also encourage the family to share memories, stories and reflections that illuminate the blessings they cherish and remember most.

What advice do you give to those who feel overwhelmed or unsure about what to say?

Do not feel obligated to say anything. Our tradition honors silence in the presence of grief. In the Torah, for example, when two of Aaron’s sons died, “Aaron was silent.” All too often we fill that empty space with words, but the truth is that our silence can express as much as our efforts to find words. I also strive to help relieve people of that social pressure to “speak at the funeral” just because others did so at the funeral of their loved ones. In many ways, it is much harder for a mourner to “perform” at a funeral than to simply be a mourner. I encourage people to give themselves permission to let me or the other clergy present speak on their behalf.

What elements make a eulogy truly memorable and impactful?

I think the best funeral eulogies are simple, honest descriptions of the best qualities of the person who is being mourned and the story of their life. Eulogies should not be a time for homilies, teaching, moralizing or otherwise. What makes a eulogy memorable and impactful is when the words are an honest and truthful story of the life of a human being that has now ended.

Are there specific themes or components that should always be included?

I think that a good eulogy summarizes the facts of a life, but focuses on the story of the life — who this person truly was, what kind of a difference they made to the people they touched during their lifetime, and how they will be remembered.

Can you share any memorable eulogies you have heard that stood out to you?

I have heard many eulogies and delivered many more — well over 1,000 or more.  I have often been deeply moved by the words of eulogy I have heard others deliver, and I have often been moved to tears by the words that mourners have shared with me and asked me to craft into a eulogy as well.

What made them particularly moving or impactful?

What makes eulogies impactful to me is when they are about the deceased, not about the speaker. When people, even well-intentioned, turn a eulogy into a comedy routine, or a story about themselves, or about a show, I think it detracts from the profound power and opportunity for sacred memory that is implicit in the act of remembering.

What role does personal storytelling play in a eulogy, and how can it enhance the tribute?

I think that storytelling is essential to the delivery of a eulogy, but only when the stories are about the deceased and not about the person delivering the eulogy.

How do personal anecdotes and memories contribute to honoring the deceased?

While we can honor a person’s memory by sharing memories, when we turn a eulogy into an abundance of stories about ourselves, it ceases to honor them, and instead becomes about us.  Often, well-intentioned people choose to handle the grief of others by deflecting and making it about themselves — how close I was to the deceased, how well I knew them, how funny I can be in telling the story of their life.  While this may be entertaining to the people gathered for the funeral, I believe such extended reflections are better for other settings and for memories later on.  The funeral should primarily be for helping those who are mourning begin their journey to healing.

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