Lifestyles

How to help & relate to an aging parent before it’s too late

BARBARA BALLINGER AND MARGARET CRANE
Published May 10, 2022

Now that we’re in our 70s and even 60s, fewer of us have parents, other relatives and even friends alive. But some of us do, and we’ve learned that life alone in your 80s and certainly 90s and then past 100 can be tough on anyone, as well as on sandwiched kids, our generation.

We gradually learned many do’s and don’ts that depend, of course, on a parent’s condition, physically, mentally, and financially. Here are our tips culled through the years:

Life Lessons at 50 Plus

Margaret (Meg) Crane lived most of her life in St. Louis, was associate editor of the Jewish Light in the early 70s and from 2001-2012, was senior writer for Jewish Federation. Two years ago, she moved to New York City to be closer to family living there. Barbara Ballinger, originally from New York, lived in St. Louis for 23 years and worked at the St. Louis Post Dispatch. She now lives in upstate New York. Follow their blog here.

Most want to remain independent and retain their dignity. Don’t automatically do stuff for them, engage them in choices when possible, and ask if it’s OK unless it has to do with their safety or if they’re so incapacitated mentally or physically. They need to exert their free will, so they feel in control.
Don’t be patronizing or talk to your aging parents and other relatives as if they are infants. Some elderly have trouble processing information and might not understand cause and effect. There is no reason to argue or try to contradict what they say in most cases. Try to agree on significant points because many will not change at their age.
Do things graciously. Try not to have an edge to your voice or voice your displeasure with them. They might be messy, not shower, have to wear pads, but that could be you some day. Help them out and clean after them, if necessary. Let your children see that you have respect for your aging parents and hopefully they will feel the same way about you when you’re in your 90s, if you’re so lucky.
4. Don’t take over their finances until it’s clear they can’t handle numbers, write checks, make decisions about spending; be sure you have the legal power to do so. And then engage them in choices.
5. Make sure you have arranged for power of attorney among you and your siblings for their health and finances. Both of us lived in the same areas as our mothers so we became the designated ones. Meg’s youngest sister did the investing, paid most of the bills online and did all the taxes. But she kept her other siblings informed.
Be sure you’ve dotted all I’s and T’s about living wills, health proxies, and even that difficult discussion about a funeral, where and how they want to be buried, and who in the family gets what. Do whatever estate planning is necessary to avoid sibling or other family conflicts down the line and ask your parents to tell you what they’ve done. It’s a difficult but necessary talk and best in person.
Spend time with them because once they’re gone, you’ll regret it if you didn’t do so. Meg’s mother, who loved material things, found that she wanted a visit from her rather than another scarf, design magazine, flowers, or favorite foods. Barbara’s mother most valued live conversations and interesting news. We learned to call regularly, daily, visit in person, and take them out if when they were mobile. Be sure that mothers get their hair and nails done; fathers also need hair trims, and both may need some new clothing. Become their personal shoppers and personal assistants and help get them dressed; it’s important not to let them remain in bed or be up in their pajamas all day.
Bring children, grandchildren and great grandchildren to visit them. It’s good for them to be around kids, who breathe energy into a room, and it’s good for children and grandchildren to get used to being around older adults. It engenders respect. Bring friends too but sometimes prepare them for the changes they may see.
Listen to their stories again, and again. We recently read in the New York Times a piece titled, “V.R. ‘Reminiscence Therapy’ Lets Seniors Relive the Past,” by Matt Fuchs, May 6, 2022. It talks about some care facilities that are giving older adults a way to visit their pasts to boost their well-being by using virtual reality tools. Virtual Reality Therapy Could Give Relief to Seniors – The New York Times (nytimes.com) They do repeat themselves, but why tell them. Just listen. Write the stories down, have them talk into a tape recorder or cell phone, or video tape them like an oral history project. Their stories can be rich and insightful, and their digging down is healing.
10. Show them photos in albums or on your personal devices and videos of family memories, which will help recall happy events. Barbara’s daughter with young children printed out photos and sent them as postcards. Do puzzles and play other games together, which will jog brain cells and help engage them.
When talking about the past, look up their old friends on your iPhone or iPad to see if they’re still alive. Barbara stays in touch with several of her mom’s friends. Talk about old movies and look up their favorite old Hollywood stars and authors of their favorite books. Share about your life and what’s going on in the world; it keeps them alive. If they’re not capable of traveling, take photos of a new home, a child’s college dorm, a graduation, birthday party that they cannot attend so they can still share in happy family events. And as their grandchildren and great grandchildren grow, do Facetime or Zoom so they maintain a connection.
Encourage other family members and friends to stay in touch. Get your kids to call or visit them weekly or monthly; whatever works. They sometimes need a nudge in their busy lives. One of Barbara’s friends included her mother at an annual New Year’s weekend at their country house in upstate New York.
When making decisions for your aging parents, even if you are the primary caregiver, involve siblings and other key relatives in all decisions if possible. In any caseworker meetings, if your parent is in a senior assisted living or skilled nursing facility, conference in or Zoom or Skype with siblings, other relatives, and the professionals so they feel part of the decision.
Had a rocky relationship? Get over it. There is no closure if you stay angry and avoid smoothing things over and being with your parents while they are alive. Deal with your old baggage and complaints; selfishly, it’s time to make peace for both generations about prior complaints and insults. Some day they will be gone, and if you’ve had any kind of loving relationship, even a fragile one, there will be a hole in your heart. Better to mend it now while you both can. There are no redos or second acts.
If you are the primary caregiver, take care of yourself. Care giving can be taxing, stressful, and exhausting at times. Meg often had to deal with middle of the night frantic calls, and many during the day. Both of us have enlisted the help of our children, though we don’t want to burden them; we view this as our responsibility and way to pay back—and even forward. Reward yourself in any way you like: a manicure or pedicure, movie, new book, great dinner out, big box of the best chocolates.