As I write this, I’m watching the Tony Awards, where Broadway artists are honored for their outstanding work. I love awards shows so much: the celebrities, the fashion, the speeches in which the winners act like they’re surprised to be revered because they’re just everyday normal people.
I miss my original comedy hero, Joan Rivers, of blessed memory, and her half-interviews/half-roasts on the red carpet. She was the master of putting on a friendly face (that she paid a whole lot of money for) to ask, “Who are you wearing?” and then ripping the stars’ fashion choices to proverbial shreds when they walked away. I should be so gifted.
If ever I were on a red carpet and was asked, “Who are you wearing?” the best answer I could muster up would be “Lane Bryant.”
Today, I did three loads of laundry, which included bedding, so that chore involved the aerobics of stripping the sheets and putting them back on to make the bed. I also emptied the dishwasher, ran to two grocery stores and cooked dinner. And now I am writing this column. Working parents know the deal. Chores have to get done, work has to get done and family time is the fun stuff in between the tasks. We don’t get awards, but we should.
I wish the ghost of Joan would float into my life and present me a medal for “Momming So Hard” while she tears into me for wearing a shapeless schmatta.
What if moms did win awards? Like, just for being moms. Imagine some of the fun categories.
Best Public Meltdown
Also known as “The Karen Award” (sorry friends named Karen, Karin or Karyn). The nominees in this category:
• The mom stuck in the carpool line behind a yenta mom who is chatting an extra-long time with her kids’ preschool teacher.
• The creatively frugal mom at the grocery store where the cash register did not ring up her order as a BOGO and instead charged her full price.
• The mom who ate her entire salad and then realized the dressing was not fat free as she had ordered and these workers can’t get anything right because you can’t find good help anywhere these days.
Most Embarrassing Sideline Performance
• The sports mom whose child was barely tapped during a game and she screamed, “Sweetie! Are you OK? Ref, are you blind? I’m going to kill that other kid!”
• The theater mom who fake-coughed obnoxiously loud when her child appeared on stage, so said child would know where said mom was in the audience so said child could “play directly to her.”
• The mitzvah mom who mouthed every single word RuPaul Drag Race performance style of her bubbeleh’s speech while standing right next to him on the bimah, then winced when he messed up a word.
• The horrible mom who bought store brand sandwich cookies instead of actual Oreos, knowing there is a huge difference in flavor and now there is nothing at all to eat in this house.
• The lazy mom who had the nerve to ask her sons to put their cups in the dishwasher when she could have done it herself instead of interrupting their heated debate over which one of them could actually beat a cheetah in a foot race.
• The buzzkill mom who wouldn’t allow her 15 year old to go out late because he had an early start the next day but he says it’s because he went out last night and accuses her of “not wanting him to have fun two nights in a row.”
I hope you’ll enter yourself in a couple of these categories. And even if you don’t win, remember, it’s an honor just to be nominated.
Columnist Amy Fenster Brown is married to Jeff and has two teenage sons, Davis and Leo. She volunteers for several Jewish not-for-profit groups. Fenster Brown is an Emmy Award-winning TV news writer and counts time with family and friends, talking and eating peanut butter among her hobbies.