‘Natalie Portman’ seeks Shabbat dinner dates via Craigslist

Natalie Portman attending the Vanity Fair Oscar Party in Los Angeles, February 2013. (Joe Seer/Shutterstock)

Natalie Portman attending the Vanity Fair Oscar Party in Los Angeles, February 2013. (Joe Seer/Shutterstock)

What does a beautiful, successful, and, uh, married actress like Natalie Portman need to do find men willing to come over for Shabbat dinner? Turn to Craigslist, naturally!

Beth Shalom Cemetery ad

Okay, so the Washington, D.C. woman who, along with four of her friends, is looking for nice Jewish boys to break challah with probably isn’t really Benjamin Millepied’s better half.

And while she also isn’t original–according to The Huffington Post others in DC have turned to Craigslist to find Friday night romance–she is very funny.

For the sake of those too lazy to click, we are doing the mitzvah of posting the ad in its entirety.

“Us: All the single ladies. Late 20s, early 30s. We make a mean brisket. We each have more class than all of the princesses of Long Island combined. We hiked Masada at sunrise and only complained about the lack of Bamba later.

You: Are not a big fan of Beyonce’s greatest hit from 2008 that now infiltrates your newsfeed every time a chick you know from college gets engaged. Your friends would describe you as a nice Jewish boy-or at least your mother would. You’re looking for your very own Natalie Portman (think Garden State, not Black Swan.) Inspired by the original Craigslist event hosted by members of the opposite sex, we would like to cordially invite you to a Shabbat dinner to end all Shabbat dinners. On Friday, August 16, we are inviting 5 lucky gentlemen to join us for some challah and Maneschewitz (actual spelling). We’re looking for that special someone to catch us before we faint at Yom Kippur services. We would like to start this new year off right.

To be considered for a night that is more memorable than your senior prom, please submit a picture of yourself, your age, and answer at least two of the following questions:

1.) Do you think it’s a good idea for thousands of young Jews to come together in isolated areas every summer? If so, which camp did you attend?

2.) Seth Cohen: greatest Jew to be a main character on a teenage drama? Only Jew to be a main character on a teenage drama? Still socially acceptable to reference?

3.) Is your Bubbie the one who makes the world’s best matzo ball soup? What is her recipe? Have you called her lately?

4.) How do you contribute to your community? Do you:
a.) Volunteer at soup kitchens
b.) Foster puppies
c.) Tutor children
d.) Assist old ladies crossing the street
e.) Dress up like a superhero and rescue your neighbors

5.) What was the theme of your Bar Mitzvah? To support this statement, please submit pictures of yourself from said event. Bonus points for Pepsi-7Up action shots and/or dancing with a girl at least a head taller with enough distance between you to leave room for the Lord.

We look forward to reading your carefully edited responses and trying to match your picture with your JDate profile.

Jana Banin is the blogger for 6 Degrees No Bacon.